What is it that you appreciate in life? I like sleep, food, and visual stimulation. In that order. The reaction I always get to the revelation of these deepest and most personal priorities of mine is this: “and what about sex? HAHA…” You’re not being that funny people. Why would I have sex with you if I can look at Megan Fox? I mean, I’m sure you are beautiful on the inside, but the outside? Come on!

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the opposite. On the outside it’s beautiful, but the inside? But since we’re talking about sex, who cares about the inside? You can’t have sex with a movie you say? Fuck!

Let’s get it over with the obligatory glance at the story. Don’t worry. I won’t spoil it for you. There’s not much to tell anyway. Which leads me to a dilemma: if I tell you a bit of a story that consists of just that bit, do I tell you too much? Will you get angry with me? Here’s the deal: skip the next sentence if you want to experience the story for yourself, with all its ingenious twists and surprising moments.

The good ones win.

Now that the story is out of the way, let’s get to the important bits. How many stimuli can your retinas handle? I mean, we’re not talking about MANY special effects here. The movie is exactly ONE special effect, but all over the screen. I’m not talking Iron Man style; one dude in a cool suit. I’m talking LOTS of machine-dudes wreaking havoc in the foreground, in the background, to the left, to the right, and right in front of you: Megan Fox, who is a special effect of her own.

The good thing about Megan not being on screen all the time is that we get more Isabel Lucas that way. I understand that feminists might not accept my reasoning and that watching porn is more honest in a way. I just haven’t found an IMAX that screens porn yet.

At least, if you focus on the intense colours (no, I wasn’t high), the incredible and very loud sound effects (the soundtrack itself sucks, but that’s a matter of taste), the robots (it won’t get better than that until Avatar), and the female beauty, you might be able to overlook all the supposedly racist and sexist war propaganda. The IMDb forums are filled with hundreds (!) of pages of discussion about a Decepticon supposedly shouting “Jihad!”, “black” robot twins, and the Devastator having wrecking balls as testicles, and the movie only opened yesterday!

Come on people, it’s a movie! Can’t you switch off your brains, enjoy the visuals, switch them back on, understand that you are intelligent human beings and that seeing actors run through the biggest explosion involving actors in film history (true fact) won’t make you enlist into the army?

If you really think you or other people can’t, don’t watch it and stop them from watching it.

I can, I watched it, and I enjoyed it. Not everything in life has to be meaningful.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
(2009)

Director: Michael Bay
Screenplay: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Cinematography: Ben Seresin
Editing: Roger Barton, Tom Muldoon, Joel Negron, Paul Rubell
Score: Steve Jablonsky
Cast: Megan Fox, Shia LaBeouf, Isabel Lucas, Hugo Weaving, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro.

M/C Reviews